In the time since I last blogged here:
1. Satan took over the Euro Zone.
2. Berlusconi , Italy’s richest man , left it to Monty to clear the economic mess in his country.
3. 2012 , we realised, was going to look more and more like 2008 2.0
4. Something called Carrier IQ became very important and scandolous.
5. The Greeks learnt that they must shed one hard native tongue and learn another one, Chinese.
6. Brussels managed to get it’s tongue stuck high up Beijing’s arse.
7. The Netivity site managed to stay up for the longest time at any single time (six months).
8. I still can’t type netivity write the first time when touch typing, Is till spell it netvity.
9. I learnt that Uhuru Kenyatta is worth around USD 500m , around 50 times more than he once publicly stated, and is Kenya’s richest man ,and Africa’s 26th richest.
10.I also learnt that DJ CK is actually named Christopher John off the Centum annual report.
11. Inflation hit 20% , the KES lost 15% of it’s value against the USD, interest rates hit 30% -and the Kibaki Adminstration still blamed prevailing world events for fucking up the Kenyan economy.
12. I realized that inflation in Mozambique is within government targets at 9.5%. Yes folks, that’s the same Mozambique that had been at war for as many years as I have had pubic hair, and had been the poorest country in the world for almost as long.
13. Kenya went to war against Somalia.
14. I caught a glimpse of just how beautiful Somalia’s beaches are.
15. A french Canadian named Evan Prodromou fucked up Identi.ca
16. Yu became my favorite Kenyan GSM network (or Carrier as Kenyans just off the plane from Minnesota say) and Safaricom remained my least favorite “Carrier”
17. Steve Jobs died and Apple fanbois everywhere suddenly declared death very innovative.
18. Ashton Kutcher replaced Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, and tigers everywhere suddenly felt very replacable
19. I received exactly …visits from poor lost Russian souls. I love you Yandex.
20. Yandex became very important.
21. Ze Ozer Russians’, Renaissance Capital’s, dream of Tatu City , a planned urban development in Nairobi remains large swathes of coffee bushes.
22. Renaissance spent KES 30 Billion (USD 300m) or about 3% of the Kenyan national budget on an estate somewhere on Mombasa Road.
23. I realized that Sergey Brin iz a Russian.
24. Mukesh Ambani, not content with the fact that capitalism had already already fucked hundreds of millions of people in India , decided to find more poor people to fuck , and became a big time investor in Kenyan (read Nairobi) real estate.
26. Facebook continued to grapple with the meaning of the word “private” and contemplated in their FCC filing letting the regulator know that they’ve done for people’s privates all over the world than any other social network.
27. Google + started working on Opera Mini,Google Kenya took g+ on a tour of Kenyan Uni campuses, and I acquired a white G+ Tshirt to sleep in.
28. Plain text became my favorite data format, with XML a close second.
29. No one at Microsoft finally realized that Mango ,as a play on Blackberry’s and Apple’s brand names,not only isn’t funny but is plain retarded.
30. I resolved to eat more fruit
30. I made peace with Gnome 3.
31. I quit a banking job.
32. Word Ads came into being, and blogging as a means of making a living became appealing again.
33. Paypal are yet to get a Kenyan license.
34. Money transfers(sending money) on Yu became free, daytime or off peak calls became free and surfing Facebook became free too, and Yu became a Kenyanism for Free.
35. European nations have issued travel advisories against Kenya.
36. Tourism in Lamu was devastated by the abduction of a French woman from a resort there by alleged Al Shabaab operatives.
37. The port of Kismayu was shut down and Kenyans are coming to grips with the fact that Xmas shopping this year will not be the same as last year.
38. Automated promotional calls were launched by Kenyan GSM networks, because apparently text spamming did not annoy any of their customers to the point
of hurling Molotov cocktails and grenades at their corporate HQs in Nairobi.
39. I got on Airtel Postpaid, and wondered why I did in the first place.
40. Neutrinos were seen to travel faster than light in experiments and Einstein it was suspected,was just another crazy jew.
41. I learnt that it is politically incorrect to say crazy jew, but hip and fashionable to say crazy Negro.
42. Kenic remains firmly on my list of enemies of God and development.
43. Muammar Gaddafi was murdered by NTC forces.
44. It has crossed Bashar Assad’s mind on several occassions that being sodomized with a knife would not be the most pleasant sexual experience ever.
45. Hillary Clinton let all and sundry know that she found the prospect of being sodomized with a knife extremely hillarious.
46. A Jamaican named Adidja took over a prison, caused a heart attack, broke out of jail and made his island nation’s most wanted list. Your 12 year old relatives know him as Vybz Kartel.
47. Your 12 year old relatives may also be intimate with the lyrics of his songs. To wit: “Kill me with your cockie, Kill me with your tightness” and “And I (have never seen) a pussy like” and “I can’t stop fucking you”
48.
Oh, this should have been number 25. I skipped it for dramatic effect.So here goes. number
25. I turned 25
In the time since I last blogged here….
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Moshe
Kenyan High Commissioner to the Internet
Nice one.
Happy belated birthday? Point 47 is a smh.